I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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