This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Randomize
