So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
