So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Dear god my vagina.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
