Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
