He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
