I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Randomize
