New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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