OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
