drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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