last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
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