Screwed.edu
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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