i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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