My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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