You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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