I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
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My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
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Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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