I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
