Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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