life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
