my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
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