If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
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She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
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Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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