my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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