Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
