I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
