The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
we're so committed to being not committed
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
