i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
πππ what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize