i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Randomize
