the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
