your thong is hanging out like whoa
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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