Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
