I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
