I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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