I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I enjoy the company of your penis
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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