Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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