my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
