What did we do last night that was yellow?
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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