Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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