she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
