Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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