I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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