so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
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