Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Randomize
