Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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