Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
