I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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