Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
