I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
