I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
