Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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