Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
