I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
