Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
