I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
