I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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