He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
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